I'm done with prayer

Prayer is exhilarating.

Engaging with Scripture is like exploring a new country.

Setting aside a day for intentional rest is full of wonderful surprises.

Practicing silence and solitude syncs your heart to God’s heart.

Spiritual habits, rhythms, disciplines, or practices are the primary way in which we do everything out of God's love for us and with us.

Spiritual practices align all that we are with all God is.

Spiritual practices are how we fight against our disordered desires, our surrounding culture’s value system, and the unseen powers of Satan.

Spiritual practices are how we move from a random life and into a life of rhythm–not because we have the ultimate power and control over the growth of our life, but because these practices are invitations to cooperate and partner with the work of the Spirit in our lives.

Prayer and other spiritual practices take intentional effort.

Why? Because everything in me follows the impulsive and disordered desires of my heart, and it doesn't help that the culture around me affirms that I should chase after whatever desire I have.

The Spirit in me has been slowly reorganizing those desires for the last 20 years or so and when my desire for prayer is high, all seems well in my life.

When I crave to become like Jesus through the practice of intentional rhythms that He modeled and commanded, the effort is minimal.

Living life with God is easy, effortless, and a joy when the desire is dialed up.

But what happens when the thrill ends? What happens when the feelings change and numbness kicks in?

I love to feel exhilarated.

I love to experience something as if it's new.

I enjoy surprises.

I definitely prefer having an internal sense of peace when I feel like my heart is beating with God’s heart.

But when I don’t feel like this, I naturally begin to wonder, “what am I doing wrong? How can I get that feeling–that experience back?” 

When the honeymoon phase of exploring spiritual practices begins to take a turn, you may start to experience:

• shame 

• withdrawing from what you once loved

• regret for wasting all that time in prayer

• doubt that those experiences were real

• backsliding into old destructive habits

• a craving to duplicate those old feelings (a chase that can never quite be accomplished)

I share this from a place of my own powerlessness and experience.

I’ve been there. 

I feel like I’m currently there. 

I feel embarrassed writing this as a Discipleship Pastor, but I want those who long to long for God to know: me, too.

I’ve had an incredible four years or so of hunger for God’s presence and committing to similar rhythms that Jesus had. Every morning, I woke up with anticipation to meet with God in prayer. I longed for my set aside day of rest at the end of my work week.

But what happens when that longing fades?

My reaction to my morning alarm going off was once immediate excitement.

Then why was my reaction to my alarm this morning a deep sigh?

I have been learning that life with God is equally exhilarating as it is boring.

Healing and painful.

Clear and nuanced.

Consistent and ever changing.

This paradox that life with God is, is a thrill in and of itself. That thrill encompasses the full spectrum of human emotion and experience, and God longs to meet us in it all.

All I know is that I’m not alone in these experiences. You’re not alone.

I’ve read dozens of stories from faithful followers of Jesus who have dedicated years of their life to prayer and they all share a similar insight:

• You will experience high highs and low lows in your prayer life and your life with God.

• The chaos of the world will be swirling around you as it begs for your attention away from the face of God.

• You will experience what theologians call, "the dark night of the soul".

  
  

In those moments or seasons when we’re just not feeling it like we used to, it’s even more crucial that we continue to turn toward Jesus–to abide with Him in prayer via set aside times and throughout our day.

Rich Villodas, Pastor of New Life Fellowship in Queens, NY, has consistently shared the best wisdom on prayer I’ve ever heard:

“I have found that the most important thing about prayer is showing up. And part of the showing up is being honest that I would prefer to remain absent.”

When you lose the feeling or even the desire all together, what if you still showed up?

I get it. What friend wants you to still go golfing with them if you have zero desire to be there? If my wife reluctantly joined me for our anniversary vacation, I would be deeply hurt.

What I love about God is that His desire for us is unmoved by our desire to be with Him.

Your desire to commune with God may be dry.

Your longing to have a vulnerably raw conversation with God may be absent.

But God’s desire burns for you and the fire never goes out.

What if you still showed up?

What if you brought your lack of longing with you?

What if you just sat there in a chair, arms crossed, pouty face on, and brought your reluctance with you into God’s presence?

The past two months of my life have brought a level of change, grief, and conflict that I’m unfamiliar with. My identity has been challenged, my confidence shaken, and motivation questioned.

My longing to be with God in prayer each morning has begun to fade.

My mind is harassed with anxiety and overthinking daily. Shoutout to all the overthinkers out there!

Do I want to go back to waking up when I feel like it? 

Do I want to go back to endlessly scrolling on my phone upon waking up? 

Do I want to go back to letting my feelings dictate my actions? 

Do I want to go back to seeking escape when I bring home heavy burdens? 

Do I want to go back to numbing difficult feelings with anything that makes me feel good? 

The answer is no because I’ve tasted and seen that the LORD is good on the other side of that life. But man is it easy to just let my life slip back into that because it takes no effort.

If you’re reading this, fight the good fight.

When you’re not feeling it, show up anyway.

When your desires are numbed, show up anyway.

When you don’t want to wake up at 6:00am for prayer, do it anyway.

When your life is spiraling, and all you want to do is watch tik toks for 3 hours, let your life spiral into God’s arms.

To end, I want to share a prayer with you that I’ve joined with my own prayers lately:

“May your longing to long for God be the sign of your affection when your numbness threatens otherwise; and may you find peace in the trust that even a dim longing is proof that God is still your soul’s great desire” -Strahan Coleman

As the psalmist says in Psalm 42, “as the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for You, O God.”

A day may come when that longing is challenged.

A season may come when your desire fades.

But what is life without God? Where would I go? Who would I be? Where would my heart find it's home?

I would rather reluctantly meet with God in prayer with all my numbness than live apart from God with all my numbness.

May we all stubbornly commune with God. Especially on the days we don’t want to.

Just keep showing up.